I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
