see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
