if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
