im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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