never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
