I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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