You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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