We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Go christen that room with your naked body.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
