so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
