i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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