I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
