he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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