Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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