so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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