I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
