Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
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If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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