And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Randomize
