she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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