Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
