Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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