What a fucking waste of an outfit
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
