I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
