last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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