i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
