just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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