apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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