he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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