I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
