I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
