Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
