4 words: hood of his car
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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