Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
