You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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