So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
