Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
