Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
