as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
