This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
