What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
