my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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