I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
