Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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