I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
