It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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