I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
