I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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