Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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