Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
