Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
