all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize