I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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