How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
40s are totally the cure
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
