Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
