There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
