if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
