if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
