I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
