The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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