Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
