Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
